A Secret

I didn't write about you here last month- and you and I both know that doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you on a near-constant basis; if you're not my current thought at a moment, you are still there, lingering, and that is OK.  It is painful, but it is as it has to be.

I went to a therapist that specializes in grief today.  I'm picky, you know that.  I'd never seen her before, and trying to talk about you and what has happened feels impossible- particularly if I'm trying to explain Kaitlin to someone who never met you.  I don't know where to even begin.  It is overwhelming and unbearable to speak about the worst thing that's ever happened to me, to us.

But at one point, I tried explaining just why and how it is so difficult to talk about you and what happened to you.  I described it, saying: "It feels like a secret."

A secret.  That word just tapped into something.  A secret.  One of the explanations in the dictionary defined it as, "revealed only to the initiated."  I looked it up just now as I was writing this, because I keep turning the word over in my head- this is the first time I've described things in that way.  I don't know where it came from, it seemed to make sense in the moment, and that definition gets it right.  This is my life's secret- to reveal you only to those that should know you; to reveal you, and in turn, who I was, through you, to those who have earned the privilege of knowing you/us. 

I don't know who I am.  I've never had a strong grasp or confidence in the person I am; I don't know that I've ever needed that.  I felt that I was known by those who loved me and knew me best- my family.  And in your loss, I'm losing so damn much, and realizing how much I needed that understanding that existed between us.  It's unearthed a lifetime of pain, confusion, and loss.  But YOU knew me, and you will always know me.  Who we are to each other doesn't change, ultimately- you are always Kaitlin, I am always Lauren. 

You are my greatest and most devastating secret.

i miss you

Sometimes I feel every bad feeling and then that last, almost worst, feeling comes: missing you.  Grief seems to trump everything, and it usually does.  But some days it's not complicated, some days it's simple: I miss you.  I miss knowing you're there to talk to, to text, to hear your voice.  I need you here.  Sometimes I'll scream: WHERE ARE YOU???  I'm angry and hateful.  Not at you, at this.  It's as if you're hiding from us, and sometimes I'll tell myself stories.  Stories like- well, if anyone could pretend to be gone, it would be you.  You could trick me.  I lie to myself some days, I create stories in my mind of what you could be doing.  In the end, all that matters is: I miss you.  I need to know where you are. 

and i quote

these are the days that must happen to you:

today the breeze was just enough that - as i drove down the road toward home - the trees all appeared to be waving in slow-motion.  and i thought: that's for me.  and: that is from you.  you're waving hello from heaven.  i can't explain it, but i feel it.  i live for those moments from you. 

i spend a lot of time doing things that are mindless: watching repeats on tv.  napping.  drinking. trying to get my mind off of my mind.  or really- off of my heart.

i think about you every day, and i cannot even estimate how often and how many times.  you run into my thoughts from wherever you are.  i hear a song and a memory from long ago creeps into my brain- was that real?  was that Kaitlin?  was it this song, or am i confusing it with something else?

i want to remember everything. i wish i had kept journals more and written down everything in my life- because you were so essential to my life.  in all ways.  for some years, it was you and i, mostly, and a lot of other stuff in the background.  but just us, for the most part- and you, whether you knew it or not, helped take care of me. you helped sustain me during the strange, transformative, hellish years of my late teens/early twenties. you were the one i hung out with at home.  i've been so alone since i've seen out on my own, in ways i can't even explain.  there is so much about it that is right for me, and yet there is an absence in my life.  i have my family, but i am separate from my family- just by myself.  but i think you always understood that better than anyone else did, or ever will.

there are lifetimes within your life to remember and try to find comfort in.  i'll keep digging, keep going back.

i try to think mostly of your silliness and antics as a child, and that part of you that carried into your teenage years.  the fun you had.  the art you made.  the music you loved.  the movies you watched repeatedly- i remember you being on a molly ringwald kick!  i think of you blasting good charlotte.  going to every hockey game.  the friends you had and your loyalty and love for them as well...

you are so much more than the pain you endured.  you are more than the worst times you went through, you are so much more than that, and right now, i need to go back.  i need to rest in the past. 

"These are the days that must happen to you." - Walt Whitman  (i keep turning this line over and over in my head)

i feel older.  so much older.  and i don't want another life that is without you.  i, we, all of us- we had no choice in this.  i'm bitter and i'm hateful about this, and about everything.  my patience, which you always knew was thin, doesn't exist anymore.  i'm going through the motions, but i'm outside of myself.  i'm in my head all the time and i can't get out.  i cannot 'be in the moment.' i cannot do anything without noticing myself doing it.  the grief shakes down the worthless parts of life, it destroys anything that isn't really important. and yet what remains doesn't feel like enough.  it will never be enough.

but this isn't a life without you, i know that...there is no life without you, because you are so much a part of me, so much of all of us.  you're here, i see it and feel it, and i KNOW it.  we cannot ever truly be separated, Kaitlin, even death...I am with you in your death, as I know you are with me (with us all) in this life...soi ask that you continue to show yourself to us, Kaitlin...  show us your love and understanding, show us the parts of heaven that are ready to be revealed to us as only you could show us...help us walk through this pain that is our hell on earth until we see you again....stay close, always.

birthday

Today is my 32nd birthday, the first one I've had without you since the birthdays I had before you were born.  I wouldn't count them, though- I don't remember them.

So really, today was the first birthday of mine that came that you weren't here for.  No text, no call, no card.  No exchange, other than what's coming out of me.  My emotions are quickly shifting today, and they go from bad to worse.  Today's tears started in the shower, and that's become one of the places they come from me often.  There aren't many words that I can use to describe where these tears from and how destroyed I am, how destroyed my life is and always will be.  I miss you and I'm so sad and so full of regret and rage at everything that led to life turning out this way.

I ask you always to run free and I'm always hoping that you are having the most wonderful time in your new life...laughing, smiling, playing.  For all of the ways you were in pain, for the serious things you faced, I find that I remember you at times as very child-like.  Enjoying simple things, toys, games, and fun, when you could.  I find your teletubbies, your monster high dolls, your stuffed animals...there were different 'adult' experiences you didn't get to fully have, and I think that caused some of the frustrations between us- we couldn't understand each other fully.  I couldn't know what you were going through & you couldn't really know what I was facing.  That's not to compare our situations, it's only to say that they were vastly different, and our differences often gave rise to our arguments and misunderstandings. 




Losing you has torn my life apart.  It has split my life wide open.  All the hurt and pain and regret and sorrow of the past and the present, all of it is consuming me.  There is no past or future, there is only now, and right now all I can see and feel and know is pain, every pain I've ever felt, every moment flowing through me anew.  Pure, searing pain.  Every heartache I thought was behind me is now alive inside of me.  There is so much anger and rage- at myself and the world.  But the pain is the overwhelming, consistent experience of life now as I know it.  So I look at my 32nd year and wonder: how do I go on?  WHY do I go on?  The answer is obvious and quick: my family.  Those that I love.  We are all in a living hell, and we’re in it together.  As alone as I can feel, the only people in this universe that could have any understanding of what I’m enduring are my family.  And I cannot allow myself to add to that pain.

I curse so much more now that you’re gone.  So much more.  Usually saying  “Jesus,” or “God dammit.”  Sinning…I think of that often.  Taking the Lord’s name in vain.  And perhaps it is because that is mostly where I can ultimately place the blame.  I will say: GOD DAMN YOU.  I’m an angry person.  Impatient.  Bitter.  Livid.  Unpleasant.  I drink more, and I am just filled with darkness. 

So the idea of a ‘happy’ birthday…not this year, and I cannot imagine a  year where it would be happy again.  Happiness…I truly do not think that will be within my grasp within my life that I have left...so I think of Heaven and I know you will be there...I'll find happiness there...




When I think of Heaven, I think of you, Kaitlin....forever & ever!!!

sleep it off

I'm here, loving you so very much and missing you tremendously.  Someone told me the feelings we're dealing with are the core feelings of our soul.  Today was a day where I didn't think I could face it...I really didn't. I slept for hours...laid in bed just trying not to think about it.  And every other thought about anything at all was a direct line to some memory of you.  You are connected to everything in my life, every thought I have, there is a memory.  A memory coming from a place in my mind I didn't even know existed.


Our lives are intricately entwined...every experience, every sensation I have or will ever have connects me to you.  I'm lost...the feelings I'm experiencing, will never be able to fully articulate.  It is pain, loss, grief, sorrow, regret at their purest forms...my feelings for you are surpassing anything I've ever felt...pushing past boundaries I didn't even know existed. 

Yesterday I felt it so much, too.  There is an anxiety, a nervousness, a restlessness that at sometimes is so consuming, I feel I could jump out of my skin.  I suppose that is just wanting to escape, to tear away my physical self and just let my heart and soul go, go away on a journey that takes me to finding you again. 

Did you ever know how much I needed you?  I bring you up so often...I watched River and Finn last night, and I bring you up every time I see them.  While we were coloring, I told them what a talented artist you were.  River said: I knew that.  He is funny and sweet and loving and I cannot stand that you are not physically here to see and be with River and Finn and show them and teach them so much of what you could share.  Nothing will ever make up for them not being able to have you here and know you in the way they would if you were here.  But I will always share you with them, you will always be a part of their lives, too.  I see you in Finn- looking at your toddler pictures, it is an incredible resemblance.  These are the things that will pull me through.

I feel so alone, even though all of us are going through this- we're going through it together, but in so many ways, this grief and loss is individual to us all.  It's particular to our relationship with you- you are a daughter, a sister, and aunt, a friend...so many roles you played.  Mom, Dad, David and Brianne and you...that will always be my first & core family.  Nothing changes that, but now I know I will never have a complete family again in my life here, no matter what happens in my life, or who comes into my life. 

I slept a lot today, because I couldn't face anything.  I would lay in bed, each second, each minute passing slowly and filled with such overwhelming grief.  Some days I wonder how my heart hasn't given out yet.  Time moves too fast and yet too slow.  It reminds me of the first days of losing you.  Helpless, torn apart inside, nervous, waiting...and waiting for what?  Waiting to find this isn't true.  At times I will say aloud: she's ok.  She's here, that didn't happen.  I want to text you and hear back from you.  I want to call and talk to you...so much to say.  So much that is important that I need to tell you & so much that is insignificant.  To tell you about the things that are driving me crazy...and at times I'll imagine your responses to what I'd tell you & I can hear your voice and your laugh, your tone, the nuances of how you'd talk...and I have to keep doing that so that I never, ever forget. 

It's a day today where I can't see going on much longer.  None of us know how long our lives will be, yet so many days now, I feel it is all going to be too long...longer than I'd ever wish for it to be.  What will I do with this life?  What can I do without you here?

I love you forever, Kaitlin...this life is but a dream!!!!

bad day

Today was a bad day...but every day is bad, some just different than others.  It began with a long, restless night...I tried talking to you- the most I've been able to since you left.  I believe you heard me.  I believe you're listening.  I believe you know my heart.  What I don't believe is that you're gone.  I can't believe it; I won't allow myself to believe it.  And I know, I absolutely KNOW you are not gone. Your body may not be here...I may not be able to speak to you face to face, but I can speak from my heart and soul to YOUR heart and soul.  I love you, Kaitlin...with everything I am and everything I will ever become, I love you! For every painful moment and day I live, I try to remember that one day I will have the greatest reward of seeing you...I will have joy and true peace and rest when I am with you again.  Be free, Kaitlin...but stay close to us that love you and need you so desperately. 

This life is not real...I continue to be reminded of that.  There is no way that this life can be real, it just can't...I believe it's a passing though...we're here until we move on, and you moved on before the rest of us.  Someday I hope it is you that shows me the way.  Take my hand, lead me into the new world where we are together forever, never to be separated again.  That's what this is, a separation..an unbearable separation, an impossible ache...it is temporary, I know that, but getting through this time, without you, feels endless.  What is life without you?  It's not my life...it's not a life I want, it's not a life I can be a part of.  So I will try...I will try to get through each day...I will try to honor you if I can, to make you proud, to try to find ways to help others, but the only one I want to help is you.  I'm sorry for everything I didn't understand, didn't know, and for my inability to be who you needed me to be.  I will forever carry a million regrets with me...but I will try to remember the love more than the regret.  I will try to remember your laughter and smile more than your pain.  I'm not trying to deny your pain...I just can't face it now, and LOVE is the only thing that will possibly carry me through the rest of my days.

I love you forever, my sister.  My heart is here, and its not here...it is shattered, and there are pieces I've lost, but they're with you.  You will keep them safe.  You will nurture them to help me.  Rest easy...I wish you could tell me what Heaven is like for you...but you will.  Until then, I am always...Lauren