Today was a bad day...but every day is bad, some just different than others. It began with a long, restless night...I tried talking to you- the most I've been able to since you left. I believe you heard me. I believe you're listening. I believe you know my heart. What I don't believe is that you're gone. I can't believe it; I won't allow myself to believe it. And I know, I absolutely KNOW you are not gone. Your body may not be here...I may not be able to speak to you face to face, but I can speak from my heart and soul to YOUR heart and soul. I love you, Kaitlin...with everything I am and everything I will ever become, I love you! For every painful moment and day I live, I try to remember that one day I will have the greatest reward of seeing you...I will have joy and true peace and rest when I am with you again. Be free, Kaitlin...but stay close to us that love you and need you so desperately.
This life is not real...I continue to be reminded of that. There is no way that this life can be real, it just can't...I believe it's a passing though...we're here until we move on, and you moved on before the rest of us. Someday I hope it is you that shows me the way. Take my hand, lead me into the new world where we are together forever, never to be separated again. That's what this is, a separation..an unbearable separation, an impossible ache...it is temporary, I know that, but getting through this time, without you, feels endless. What is life without you? It's not my life...it's not a life I want, it's not a life I can be a part of. So I will try...I will try to get through each day...I will try to honor you if I can, to make you proud, to try to find ways to help others, but the only one I want to help is you. I'm sorry for everything I didn't understand, didn't know, and for my inability to be who you needed me to be. I will forever carry a million regrets with me...but I will try to remember the love more than the regret. I will try to remember your laughter and smile more than your pain. I'm not trying to deny your pain...I just can't face it now, and LOVE is the only thing that will possibly carry me through the rest of my days.
I love you forever, my sister. My heart is here, and its not here...it is shattered, and there are pieces I've lost, but they're with you. You will keep them safe. You will nurture them to help me. Rest easy...I wish you could tell me what Heaven is like for you...but you will. Until then, I am always...Lauren
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