birthday

Today is my 32nd birthday, the first one I've had without you since the birthdays I had before you were born.  I wouldn't count them, though- I don't remember them.

So really, today was the first birthday of mine that came that you weren't here for.  No text, no call, no card.  No exchange, other than what's coming out of me.  My emotions are quickly shifting today, and they go from bad to worse.  Today's tears started in the shower, and that's become one of the places they come from me often.  There aren't many words that I can use to describe where these tears from and how destroyed I am, how destroyed my life is and always will be.  I miss you and I'm so sad and so full of regret and rage at everything that led to life turning out this way.

I ask you always to run free and I'm always hoping that you are having the most wonderful time in your new life...laughing, smiling, playing.  For all of the ways you were in pain, for the serious things you faced, I find that I remember you at times as very child-like.  Enjoying simple things, toys, games, and fun, when you could.  I find your teletubbies, your monster high dolls, your stuffed animals...there were different 'adult' experiences you didn't get to fully have, and I think that caused some of the frustrations between us- we couldn't understand each other fully.  I couldn't know what you were going through & you couldn't really know what I was facing.  That's not to compare our situations, it's only to say that they were vastly different, and our differences often gave rise to our arguments and misunderstandings. 




Losing you has torn my life apart.  It has split my life wide open.  All the hurt and pain and regret and sorrow of the past and the present, all of it is consuming me.  There is no past or future, there is only now, and right now all I can see and feel and know is pain, every pain I've ever felt, every moment flowing through me anew.  Pure, searing pain.  Every heartache I thought was behind me is now alive inside of me.  There is so much anger and rage- at myself and the world.  But the pain is the overwhelming, consistent experience of life now as I know it.  So I look at my 32nd year and wonder: how do I go on?  WHY do I go on?  The answer is obvious and quick: my family.  Those that I love.  We are all in a living hell, and we’re in it together.  As alone as I can feel, the only people in this universe that could have any understanding of what I’m enduring are my family.  And I cannot allow myself to add to that pain.

I curse so much more now that you’re gone.  So much more.  Usually saying  “Jesus,” or “God dammit.”  Sinning…I think of that often.  Taking the Lord’s name in vain.  And perhaps it is because that is mostly where I can ultimately place the blame.  I will say: GOD DAMN YOU.  I’m an angry person.  Impatient.  Bitter.  Livid.  Unpleasant.  I drink more, and I am just filled with darkness. 

So the idea of a ‘happy’ birthday…not this year, and I cannot imagine a  year where it would be happy again.  Happiness…I truly do not think that will be within my grasp within my life that I have left...so I think of Heaven and I know you will be there...I'll find happiness there...




When I think of Heaven, I think of you, Kaitlin....forever & ever!!!