I'm here, loving you so very much and missing you tremendously. Someone told me the feelings we're dealing with are the core feelings of our soul. Today was a day where I didn't think I could face it...I really didn't. I slept for hours...laid in bed just trying not to think about it. And every other thought about anything at all was a direct line to some memory of you. You are connected to everything in my life, every thought I have, there is a memory. A memory coming from a place in my mind I didn't even know existed.
Our lives are intricately entwined...every experience, every sensation I have or will ever have connects me to you. I'm lost...the feelings I'm experiencing, will never be able to fully articulate. It is pain, loss, grief, sorrow, regret at their purest forms...my feelings for you are surpassing anything I've ever felt...pushing past boundaries I didn't even know existed.
Yesterday I felt it so much, too. There is an anxiety, a nervousness, a restlessness that at sometimes is so consuming, I feel I could jump out of my skin. I suppose that is just wanting to escape, to tear away my physical self and just let my heart and soul go, go away on a journey that takes me to finding you again.
Did you ever know how much I needed you? I bring you up so often...I watched River and Finn last night, and I bring you up every time I see them. While we were coloring, I told them what a talented artist you were. River said: I knew that. He is funny and sweet and loving and I cannot stand that you are not physically here to see and be with River and Finn and show them and teach them so much of what you could share. Nothing will ever make up for them not being able to have you here and know you in the way they would if you were here. But I will always share you with them, you will always be a part of their lives, too. I see you in Finn- looking at your toddler pictures, it is an incredible resemblance. These are the things that will pull me through.
I feel so alone, even though all of us are going through this- we're going through it together, but in so many ways, this grief and loss is individual to us all. It's particular to our relationship with you- you are a daughter, a sister, and aunt, a friend...so many roles you played. Mom, Dad, David and Brianne and you...that will always be my first & core family. Nothing changes that, but now I know I will never have a complete family again in my life here, no matter what happens in my life, or who comes into my life.
I slept a lot today, because I couldn't face anything. I would lay in bed, each second, each minute passing slowly and filled with such overwhelming grief. Some days I wonder how my heart hasn't given out yet. Time moves too fast and yet too slow. It reminds me of the first days of losing you. Helpless, torn apart inside, nervous, waiting...and waiting for what? Waiting to find this isn't true. At times I will say aloud: she's ok. She's here, that didn't happen. I want to text you and hear back from you. I want to call and talk to you...so much to say. So much that is important that I need to tell you & so much that is insignificant. To tell you about the things that are driving me crazy...and at times I'll imagine your responses to what I'd tell you & I can hear your voice and your laugh, your tone, the nuances of how you'd talk...and I have to keep doing that so that I never, ever forget.
It's a day today where I can't see going on much longer. None of us know how long our lives will be, yet so many days now, I feel it is all going to be too long...longer than I'd ever wish for it to be. What will I do with this life? What can I do without you here?
I love you forever, Kaitlin...this life is but a dream!!!!
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