This blog....I'm starting this blog to try to understand my life- the life I had with K, and the life I'm forced to live without her. My life ended February 16, 2015. It ended when her life ended. Everything I knew stopped in the second I was told that she died.
I know there are stages to grief. I've grieved before, and grieve still for those I've lost before- beloved grandparents that meant the world to me; my pet family that was as much my family as my human family. I've had my heart broken. This...this is a different heartbreak. I'm obliterated.
So this blog is for me. For me, for K. For anyone who loved her, for anyone who is grieving at all. I don't know what each day will bring. I'm scared- right now I'm fairly calm; I just can't wrap my mind around this concept; it feels fake- it feels like this experience could stop at any moment & she will be here and life will return to normal. So I wait. I wait for this to stop. There is a sense to me of 'this can't be it.' 'IT' meaning...the end. This can't be the way her story, our story, goes.
I wish I could say I had a sense of her presence with me, but I don't. I want that. I want to have that desperately. But I also wonder if I can't have that sense, because I can't accept it. I want to refuse this reality. I keep telling myself that I don't have a choice. I didn't choose this. And going on with life- there's not another option. I have no choice. I am helpless. I am lost. I have moments of sheer rage where I want to destroy everything. I want to burn the world down.
There is a thought that keeps running through my mind. "Life is but a dream." My life now...my life is but a dream.
