birthday

Today is my 32nd birthday, the first one I've had without you since the birthdays I had before you were born.  I wouldn't count them, though- I don't remember them.

So really, today was the first birthday of mine that came that you weren't here for.  No text, no call, no card.  No exchange, other than what's coming out of me.  My emotions are quickly shifting today, and they go from bad to worse.  Today's tears started in the shower, and that's become one of the places they come from me often.  There aren't many words that I can use to describe where these tears from and how destroyed I am, how destroyed my life is and always will be.  I miss you and I'm so sad and so full of regret and rage at everything that led to life turning out this way.

I ask you always to run free and I'm always hoping that you are having the most wonderful time in your new life...laughing, smiling, playing.  For all of the ways you were in pain, for the serious things you faced, I find that I remember you at times as very child-like.  Enjoying simple things, toys, games, and fun, when you could.  I find your teletubbies, your monster high dolls, your stuffed animals...there were different 'adult' experiences you didn't get to fully have, and I think that caused some of the frustrations between us- we couldn't understand each other fully.  I couldn't know what you were going through & you couldn't really know what I was facing.  That's not to compare our situations, it's only to say that they were vastly different, and our differences often gave rise to our arguments and misunderstandings. 




Losing you has torn my life apart.  It has split my life wide open.  All the hurt and pain and regret and sorrow of the past and the present, all of it is consuming me.  There is no past or future, there is only now, and right now all I can see and feel and know is pain, every pain I've ever felt, every moment flowing through me anew.  Pure, searing pain.  Every heartache I thought was behind me is now alive inside of me.  There is so much anger and rage- at myself and the world.  But the pain is the overwhelming, consistent experience of life now as I know it.  So I look at my 32nd year and wonder: how do I go on?  WHY do I go on?  The answer is obvious and quick: my family.  Those that I love.  We are all in a living hell, and we’re in it together.  As alone as I can feel, the only people in this universe that could have any understanding of what I’m enduring are my family.  And I cannot allow myself to add to that pain.

I curse so much more now that you’re gone.  So much more.  Usually saying  “Jesus,” or “God dammit.”  Sinning…I think of that often.  Taking the Lord’s name in vain.  And perhaps it is because that is mostly where I can ultimately place the blame.  I will say: GOD DAMN YOU.  I’m an angry person.  Impatient.  Bitter.  Livid.  Unpleasant.  I drink more, and I am just filled with darkness. 

So the idea of a ‘happy’ birthday…not this year, and I cannot imagine a  year where it would be happy again.  Happiness…I truly do not think that will be within my grasp within my life that I have left...so I think of Heaven and I know you will be there...I'll find happiness there...




When I think of Heaven, I think of you, Kaitlin....forever & ever!!!

sleep it off

I'm here, loving you so very much and missing you tremendously.  Someone told me the feelings we're dealing with are the core feelings of our soul.  Today was a day where I didn't think I could face it...I really didn't. I slept for hours...laid in bed just trying not to think about it.  And every other thought about anything at all was a direct line to some memory of you.  You are connected to everything in my life, every thought I have, there is a memory.  A memory coming from a place in my mind I didn't even know existed.


Our lives are intricately entwined...every experience, every sensation I have or will ever have connects me to you.  I'm lost...the feelings I'm experiencing, will never be able to fully articulate.  It is pain, loss, grief, sorrow, regret at their purest forms...my feelings for you are surpassing anything I've ever felt...pushing past boundaries I didn't even know existed. 

Yesterday I felt it so much, too.  There is an anxiety, a nervousness, a restlessness that at sometimes is so consuming, I feel I could jump out of my skin.  I suppose that is just wanting to escape, to tear away my physical self and just let my heart and soul go, go away on a journey that takes me to finding you again. 

Did you ever know how much I needed you?  I bring you up so often...I watched River and Finn last night, and I bring you up every time I see them.  While we were coloring, I told them what a talented artist you were.  River said: I knew that.  He is funny and sweet and loving and I cannot stand that you are not physically here to see and be with River and Finn and show them and teach them so much of what you could share.  Nothing will ever make up for them not being able to have you here and know you in the way they would if you were here.  But I will always share you with them, you will always be a part of their lives, too.  I see you in Finn- looking at your toddler pictures, it is an incredible resemblance.  These are the things that will pull me through.

I feel so alone, even though all of us are going through this- we're going through it together, but in so many ways, this grief and loss is individual to us all.  It's particular to our relationship with you- you are a daughter, a sister, and aunt, a friend...so many roles you played.  Mom, Dad, David and Brianne and you...that will always be my first & core family.  Nothing changes that, but now I know I will never have a complete family again in my life here, no matter what happens in my life, or who comes into my life. 

I slept a lot today, because I couldn't face anything.  I would lay in bed, each second, each minute passing slowly and filled with such overwhelming grief.  Some days I wonder how my heart hasn't given out yet.  Time moves too fast and yet too slow.  It reminds me of the first days of losing you.  Helpless, torn apart inside, nervous, waiting...and waiting for what?  Waiting to find this isn't true.  At times I will say aloud: she's ok.  She's here, that didn't happen.  I want to text you and hear back from you.  I want to call and talk to you...so much to say.  So much that is important that I need to tell you & so much that is insignificant.  To tell you about the things that are driving me crazy...and at times I'll imagine your responses to what I'd tell you & I can hear your voice and your laugh, your tone, the nuances of how you'd talk...and I have to keep doing that so that I never, ever forget. 

It's a day today where I can't see going on much longer.  None of us know how long our lives will be, yet so many days now, I feel it is all going to be too long...longer than I'd ever wish for it to be.  What will I do with this life?  What can I do without you here?

I love you forever, Kaitlin...this life is but a dream!!!!

bad day

Today was a bad day...but every day is bad, some just different than others.  It began with a long, restless night...I tried talking to you- the most I've been able to since you left.  I believe you heard me.  I believe you're listening.  I believe you know my heart.  What I don't believe is that you're gone.  I can't believe it; I won't allow myself to believe it.  And I know, I absolutely KNOW you are not gone. Your body may not be here...I may not be able to speak to you face to face, but I can speak from my heart and soul to YOUR heart and soul.  I love you, Kaitlin...with everything I am and everything I will ever become, I love you! For every painful moment and day I live, I try to remember that one day I will have the greatest reward of seeing you...I will have joy and true peace and rest when I am with you again.  Be free, Kaitlin...but stay close to us that love you and need you so desperately. 

This life is not real...I continue to be reminded of that.  There is no way that this life can be real, it just can't...I believe it's a passing though...we're here until we move on, and you moved on before the rest of us.  Someday I hope it is you that shows me the way.  Take my hand, lead me into the new world where we are together forever, never to be separated again.  That's what this is, a separation..an unbearable separation, an impossible ache...it is temporary, I know that, but getting through this time, without you, feels endless.  What is life without you?  It's not my life...it's not a life I want, it's not a life I can be a part of.  So I will try...I will try to get through each day...I will try to honor you if I can, to make you proud, to try to find ways to help others, but the only one I want to help is you.  I'm sorry for everything I didn't understand, didn't know, and for my inability to be who you needed me to be.  I will forever carry a million regrets with me...but I will try to remember the love more than the regret.  I will try to remember your laughter and smile more than your pain.  I'm not trying to deny your pain...I just can't face it now, and LOVE is the only thing that will possibly carry me through the rest of my days.

I love you forever, my sister.  My heart is here, and its not here...it is shattered, and there are pieces I've lost, but they're with you.  You will keep them safe.  You will nurture them to help me.  Rest easy...I wish you could tell me what Heaven is like for you...but you will.  Until then, I am always...Lauren