memories

the memories are fucking with  me...they come in bits, they don't come at all...  i question myself: was that real?  was she really there in that situation?  the happiness that was in those moments...it's good, but it hurts.  because there wasn't enough of it, and because there won't be more of it, not in this life.  ,so do i just have to cling to the hope and faith and idea of the next place our souls meet again?  i don't know how long the rest of my life will be - and that's just what it is at this point: "the rest of my life".  there's a definite shift of everything, and i don't know how people process this.  not just me, but my siblings, my parents - my parents.  god.  how do any of us do this?  how do I make a life out of/after this- without one of my people...my forever people, that are supposed to be there forever.  those people that are so much a part of my life, so integral, so necessary, so impossible to live without.  even if we didn't talk everyday- i knew she was there.  and i know in a different way she is still there, but i need a way to connect to her in this new way.  i haven't found it yet, and i'm searching so damn hard. 





my mind goes back and forth.  what is real, what's not real...what is the present, what was the past.  it's as if they're all blended together in this meld of fucked up-ness.  i don't know how to separate them, they're layered, blended and pouring through me in my blood.  it stops, it starts, it slips ahead.

i'm looking, digging, tearing through pictures, old cell phones that have old texts from years ago, listening to the music we listened to, that was so important to us.  i'm looking for something.  a clue?  an answer?  a way to make sense of the most senseless thing in my world?

waiting

I find myself waiting; not knowing what to do with time, and that's all I have anymore - time.  It feels like waiting for something to happen, but what?  Waiting for this to not be true.  Waiting for it to be over.  Waiting for her.  To be back.  To be alive.  To do it over- make better choices, be a better person, help her to get better.  All I ever wanted was for my family, for my loved ones, to be OK.  And the nightmare I feared for so long has happened.  How do you face that- your worst fear coming true?  There is no preparation, there is no guide to follow, there is no way to change what has happened.  Helpless.  I will be forever helpless for the rest of my life.  I'm filled with dread.  That I will wake up to this every day.  That there isn't a thing I can do to help her, to save her, to help all of us that are feeling this terrible horribleness inside.  How did this happen?  I'll spend the rest of my life trying to understand something that there is no way to understand.  Even if I could understand this, what would it matter- she's still gone.

I tried telling mom and David that we have to find the parts of her that are part of us and live them more than we've lived them before.  Emphasize those aspects of ourselves.  How have K and I been alike?  Too alike at times...outrageous behavior.  Humor- I think of her laugh and I am afraid of everything I cannot remember, and everything I may forget.  Those 26 years went by in a flash.  In the moment she was gone, those 26 years...In a way I suppose her life flashed before my eyes when I was told that she died.  And it was shockingly fast.  26 years.  I need more.

I love you, Kaitlin.  I'm afraid. I'm afraid to have to face life without you here.  Where are you?  Come back...I'd do anything, ANYTHING, for you to be back.