memories

the memories are fucking with  me...they come in bits, they don't come at all...  i question myself: was that real?  was she really there in that situation?  the happiness that was in those moments...it's good, but it hurts.  because there wasn't enough of it, and because there won't be more of it, not in this life.  ,so do i just have to cling to the hope and faith and idea of the next place our souls meet again?  i don't know how long the rest of my life will be - and that's just what it is at this point: "the rest of my life".  there's a definite shift of everything, and i don't know how people process this.  not just me, but my siblings, my parents - my parents.  god.  how do any of us do this?  how do I make a life out of/after this- without one of my people...my forever people, that are supposed to be there forever.  those people that are so much a part of my life, so integral, so necessary, so impossible to live without.  even if we didn't talk everyday- i knew she was there.  and i know in a different way she is still there, but i need a way to connect to her in this new way.  i haven't found it yet, and i'm searching so damn hard. 





my mind goes back and forth.  what is real, what's not real...what is the present, what was the past.  it's as if they're all blended together in this meld of fucked up-ness.  i don't know how to separate them, they're layered, blended and pouring through me in my blood.  it stops, it starts, it slips ahead.

i'm looking, digging, tearing through pictures, old cell phones that have old texts from years ago, listening to the music we listened to, that was so important to us.  i'm looking for something.  a clue?  an answer?  a way to make sense of the most senseless thing in my world?