waiting

I find myself waiting; not knowing what to do with time, and that's all I have anymore - time.  It feels like waiting for something to happen, but what?  Waiting for this to not be true.  Waiting for it to be over.  Waiting for her.  To be back.  To be alive.  To do it over- make better choices, be a better person, help her to get better.  All I ever wanted was for my family, for my loved ones, to be OK.  And the nightmare I feared for so long has happened.  How do you face that- your worst fear coming true?  There is no preparation, there is no guide to follow, there is no way to change what has happened.  Helpless.  I will be forever helpless for the rest of my life.  I'm filled with dread.  That I will wake up to this every day.  That there isn't a thing I can do to help her, to save her, to help all of us that are feeling this terrible horribleness inside.  How did this happen?  I'll spend the rest of my life trying to understand something that there is no way to understand.  Even if I could understand this, what would it matter- she's still gone.

I tried telling mom and David that we have to find the parts of her that are part of us and live them more than we've lived them before.  Emphasize those aspects of ourselves.  How have K and I been alike?  Too alike at times...outrageous behavior.  Humor- I think of her laugh and I am afraid of everything I cannot remember, and everything I may forget.  Those 26 years went by in a flash.  In the moment she was gone, those 26 years...In a way I suppose her life flashed before my eyes when I was told that she died.  And it was shockingly fast.  26 years.  I need more.

I love you, Kaitlin.  I'm afraid. I'm afraid to have to face life without you here.  Where are you?  Come back...I'd do anything, ANYTHING, for you to be back.