these are the days that must happen to you:

today the breeze was just enough that - as i drove down the road toward home - the trees all appeared to be waving in slow-motion.  and i thought: that's for me.  and: that is from you.  you're waving hello from heaven.  i can't explain it, but i feel it.  i live for those moments from you. 

i spend a lot of time doing things that are mindless: watching repeats on tv.  napping.  drinking. trying to get my mind off of my mind.  or really- off of my heart.

i think about you every day, and i cannot even estimate how often and how many times.  you run into my thoughts from wherever you are.  i hear a song and a memory from long ago creeps into my brain- was that real?  was that Kaitlin?  was it this song, or am i confusing it with something else?

i want to remember everything. i wish i had kept journals more and written down everything in my life- because you were so essential to my life.  in all ways.  for some years, it was you and i, mostly, and a lot of other stuff in the background.  but just us, for the most part- and you, whether you knew it or not, helped take care of me. you helped sustain me during the strange, transformative, hellish years of my late teens/early twenties. you were the one i hung out with at home.  i've been so alone since i've seen out on my own, in ways i can't even explain.  there is so much about it that is right for me, and yet there is an absence in my life.  i have my family, but i am separate from my family- just by myself.  but i think you always understood that better than anyone else did, or ever will.

there are lifetimes within your life to remember and try to find comfort in.  i'll keep digging, keep going back.

i try to think mostly of your silliness and antics as a child, and that part of you that carried into your teenage years.  the fun you had.  the art you made.  the music you loved.  the movies you watched repeatedly- i remember you being on a molly ringwald kick!  i think of you blasting good charlotte.  going to every hockey game.  the friends you had and your loyalty and love for them as well...

you are so much more than the pain you endured.  you are more than the worst times you went through, you are so much more than that, and right now, i need to go back.  i need to rest in the past. 

"These are the days that must happen to you." - Walt Whitman  (i keep turning this line over and over in my head)

i feel older.  so much older.  and i don't want another life that is without you.  i, we, all of us- we had no choice in this.  i'm bitter and i'm hateful about this, and about everything.  my patience, which you always knew was thin, doesn't exist anymore.  i'm going through the motions, but i'm outside of myself.  i'm in my head all the time and i can't get out.  i cannot 'be in the moment.' i cannot do anything without noticing myself doing it.  the grief shakes down the worthless parts of life, it destroys anything that isn't really important. and yet what remains doesn't feel like enough.  it will never be enough.

but this isn't a life without you, i know that...there is no life without you, because you are so much a part of me, so much of all of us.  you're here, i see it and feel it, and i KNOW it.  we cannot ever truly be separated, Kaitlin, even death...I am with you in your death, as I know you are with me (with us all) in this life...soi ask that you continue to show yourself to us, Kaitlin...  show us your love and understanding, show us the parts of heaven that are ready to be revealed to us as only you could show us...help us walk through this pain that is our hell on earth until we see you again....stay close, always.